"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR COLIN JOST – Well, you know things are going well when “#DontDrinkBleach” is trending nationally after a President’s speech.

JOST – After a doctor said that coronavirus dies quickly in sunlight, President Trump asked if they could bring “the light inside the body.” Though I’m pretty sure “bring the light inside the body” is what they chanted at Jonestown before drinking poison.

JOST – Then President Clean suggested injecting disinfectant into your body to cure the virus. Experts called the idea “a stroke of genius.” Minus the “of genius” part.

JOST – Texas Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick is urging his state to completely reopen saying “There are more important things than living.” Which is actually the slogan for the KFC $20 Fill Up menu.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – A growing number of anti-vaxxers are changing their minds about vaccinations in the wake of the coronavirus. Because anti-vaxxers are worried that if they get the virus, they may not get the chance to breastfeed their teenagers.

CHE – Street artist Banksy has posted pictures of an art project he created in his bathroom. He’s calling the piece “Guess What I Ate.”

JOST – A popular new food item among people staying-at-home is whipped strawberry milk. Incidentally, “Whipped Strawberry Milk” is also Prince Harry’s drag name.

CHE – Psychologists are warning single people stuck at home to resist the urge to get in touch with their exes. Okay, but if I don’t text my exes, how will they know I love them?

JOST – A lawyer in Florida protested the opening of the state’s beaches by wearing a Grim Reaper costume and warning people at the beach about getting too close to each other. There was an awkward moment when he bumped into the actual Grim Reaper who was just making his regular Florida rounds.

JOST – A former postal worker was arrested for stealing an iPhone and 1000 Viagra tablets. I assume texting people, “I’m up.”

CHE – A new study finds that pigeons in New York City are genetically different from pigeons in Boston. It’s actually easy to spot the difference because the Boston pigeons are the ones yelling at blackbirds to go back where they came from.