"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – The Texas lawsuit asked the Supreme Court to invalidate election results in four other states. Which is a plan so crazy, only Texas would try to execute it.
CHE – Many Black doctors are saying that they are having a hard time convincing their patients to take the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines. Which is weird, because “Moderna vaccine” is my favorite Tyler Perry character.
"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR COLIN JOST – President-elect Joe Biden has emphasized his commitment to vaccine distribution by promising “100 million shots in 100 days.” Which is also his Botox routine.
JOST – Biden probably would’ve gotten those doses to us sooner, but the Trump administration rejected several opportunities to acquire an additional 100 million doses of the Pfizer vaccine. Why? Who at any point this year thought, “We have almost too much vaccine!” What the hell are your priorities? Like, you don’t have the money for life-saving vaccines, but you can start up a space army? That’s like the captain of the Titanic, while it’s going down, saying, “You guys wanna start a space army?”
CHE – Jay-Z has launched a line of cannabis products called “Monogram.” So just a quick reminder to all the women that told me I need to grow up, Beyoncé is married to a 50-year-old weed guy. So, god ain’t done with me yet.
JOST – Mike Pence, who looks like a polar bear went to work, announced that the first two Space Force bases would be set up in Florida. I assume at Tomorrowland and EPCOT Center.
JOST – Officials at the Barcelona Zoo revealed that four lions at the facility tested positive for coronavirus. Even more shocking, it’s because they attended a Hassidic wedding.
CHE – Joe Biden has nominated Representative Marcia Fudge as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Fudge lives in Ohio, but is originally from around the corner of milk, milk, lemonade.
CHE – It was announced that Harrison Ford will return for a fifth Indiana Jones movie. Unfortunately, it’s called “Indiana Jones and the Tomb of the Jamaican Nurse.”
JOST – Customers at a Dairy Queen in Minnesota set off a chain reaction of paying for the customer behind them in the drive-thru that lasted for more than 900 people. It’s an inspiring story that ended with one guy being like, “Nope, I’m good.”
JOST – Doctors say that a woman has given birth to a baby that came from an embryo frozen 27 years ago. Said the baby, “You picked this year?”
CHE – A new study by astronomers finds that the galaxy is not as black as previously thought after it was seen dating a white lady.