“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – President Trump held a press conference today to educate the public about coronavirus, but I’m not sure it worked, because according to a new survey, 38% of Americans say they won’t drink Corona beer because it sounds like coronavirus. While the rest won’t drink it because it tastes like syphilis.

JOST – Donald Trump is the worst person to ease people’s fears. Trump’s whole thing is that he whips arenas into a frenzy of anger and bloodlust. Hoping Trump can calm people down is like hoping cocaine can fight insomnia.

JOST – Now, scientists estimate that the mortality rate from the coronavirus is around 2% which sounds pretty bad, but honestly, if you had given me only a 2% chance of dying during Trump’s first term, I would have taken that in a heartbeat.

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – Americans stop making fun of the Chinese for this virus. Ok, sure, they may have some interesting choices in edible meats, but don’t act like Americans are any better. I mean, we just stopped eating Tide Pods like 2 years ago.

JOST – Mike Bloomberg is reportedly spending a record 3.5 million dollars buying ads in black media. So get ready for Tyler Perry’s Madea goes to

JOST – Hillary Clinton has announced that she is starting a podcast, and okay now I do think we should lock her up.

JOST – Florida police are investigating after a 4 year-old boy found meth inside a library book. The book was of course “The Very Twitchy Caterpillar.’

CHE – 20,000 high school students in New York City got to see the cast of the Broadway hit “To Kill a Mockingbird” performed at Madison Square Garden and, no surprise the cast beat the Knicks by 25 points.

JOST – Costco announced that it will start enforcing a policy that bans nonmembers from eating in their food courts. So if you are looking for a new low point in your life, try getting dragged out of a Costco food court.