“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Ok, here’s how bad Trump’s presidency is going. His campaign manager this week was sentenced to four years in prison. And for Trump, that’s good news. Paul Manafort, who looks like he was born divorced, faced up to twenty-four years in prison, but only got four years, probably in a minimum security white-collar facility with a bunch of his friends. The guy stole over $50 million, and he basically got sentenced to college. The judge who sentenced Manafort said that he gave him a lenient sentence because Manafort has lived ‘an otherwise blameless life.’ Which is also the name of my favorite Third Eye Blind album.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Paul Manafort got 47 months for tax evasion and bank fraud, which as a black guy, feels very unfair. But as a rich black guy, it’s a little encouraging. If I could steal millions of dollars and the United States presidency in exchange for like three years of prison in my 70s? I can’t promise I won’t try. Chances are I’m going to jail in my 70s anyway for saying something that’s fine now but will be punishable by death in 40 years. Like calling my kids the N-word, or calling my wife the N-word, or calling some white lady the N-word.”

JOST – “It was reported that President Trump watched the Super Bowl at Mar-a-Lago with Li Yang, the woman who founded the chain of Asian day spas where Patriots owner Robert Kraft allegedly solicited a prostitute. First of all, what a time to be alive, huh?! Second, you know trump spent all their time together trying to convince her to give up North Korea’s nuclear weapons.”

CHE – “President Trump visited tornado victims in Alabama and signed bibles for them. I don’t know, man. I’m not a very religious guy, but I feel like when you’re getting your bible signed by a dude that raw dogs porn stars, you’re probably not a very religious guy either.”

CHE – “Last week, HBO aired ‘Leaving Neverland,’ a documentary detailing multiple child molestation charges against Michael Jackson. And they say this doc has done more damage to Michael Jackson than his last doc, Dr. Conrad Murray.”

CHE – “Virgin Atlantic Airlines announced that it will no longer require female flight attendants to wear makeup and skirts. Just as long as their husbands sign this consent form.”

JOST – “A new survey lists the best city to live in the country as Boise, Idaho. While the worst city was once again Rat Orgy, Delaware.”

JOST – “Sanitation officials cleaning out sewage lines are reporting finding ‘swamp monsters,’ which are items never intended to be flushed such as live snakes, underwear, fingers and false teeth. Which are strangely the exact ingredients that make up Rudy Giuliani.”

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Lauren Roseman,, 212-664-5236