“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – "Well guys, it turns out that Donald Trump may not be the financial genius that no one ever really thought he was. According to tax documents from 1985 to 1994, Donald Trump “appears to have lost more money than any other American taxpayer,” and I love that during that period when he was losing a billion dollars, he had the audacity to write a book about how great he was at business. It’s like if right now, R Kelly wrote a book on babysitting."

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – "President Trump’s tax documents also show that his airline, which I didn’t know anything about launched in 1989 and lost seven million dollars a month until it shutdown in 1992. And just to give you an idea of how bad his airline was, it lasted thirty-three years less than Spirit."

JOST – "The Republican-led Senate Intelligence Committee has subpoenaed Donald Trump Jr. to testify about his meeting with Russian officials. And, so he didn’t feel left out, Eric got a subpoena from Detective Pikachu."

CHE – "President Trump escalated his trade war with China on Friday. And as the proud father of over 500 pairs of sneakers, this really worries me. China makes everything I need to survive. Shoes. Hoodies. Fake Louis Vuitton. Beef and Broccoli. “Rush Hour.” Even when I see a tag on something that says, “Made in America” – that tag was probably made in China."

JOST – "This week marked the first anniversary of Melania Trump’s “Be Best” anti-bullying campaign. And if you don’t think it’s going well, you’re a fat idiot who has no friends."

CHE – "President Trump welcomed the Boston Red Sox to the White House in honor of their World Series win. However most of the team’s black players skipped the ceremony in protest. Said Trump, “Perfect.”

JOST – "Cory Booker will attend a fundraiser hosted by the founder of LinkedIn. Making Booker the first person to actually accept an invitation from LinkedIn."

JOST – "This Sunday is Mother’s Day. A holiday that Georgia is trying to make mandatory."

CHE – "Jeff Bezos introduced a new lunar lander, which he plans to use to send people to the moon in by 2024. So to answer your question, no he isn’t handling the divorce well."

JOST – "Facebook has introduced a new feature allowing people to connect with someone they have a secret crush on. To learn more, watch a future episode of “Dateline” called “The Facebook Murders.”

CHE – "Police in Wisconsin are searching for a man who stole twenty four bottles of Hennessy from a local Costco. And, no need to google it – he’s black."

CHE – "A video has been posted of a porn star and her boyfriend having sex in a Tesla while it was driving in autopilot. And amazingly, no one was rear-ended."

CHE – "Shortly after a Florida Man was arrested for having an “I Eat Ass” sticker on his truck, prosecutors have dropped all charges against him. And I think I know how he got out of it."