"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – Trump has reportedly said to allies that he will have to be dragged out of the White House “kicking and screaming.” Good.
CHE – You know, ever since Biden won, everything I was worried about or mad about just sorta faded away. I mean, the problems are still there, but remember that “Shawshank” scene when the dudes are drinking beer on the roof? They were still in prison, but for one day everything just felt okay. That’s how I feel now and I’m so relieved because if Trump won, I thought there’d be a race war. And Colin, you don’t know this, but me and my friends were gonna kidnap you. I rented a big old fridge and everything, it was a good plan.
"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR COLIN JOST – By the way, I just want to point out how crazy it is that it’s already Saturday and the only candidate who’s conceded is Kanye West. It is never a good sign when Kanye accepts reality faster than you do.
JOST – Trump has filed several lawsuits demanding recounts, alleging voter fraud – I just want to point something out real quick. Remember in 2016 when he lost the popular vote to Hillary by 3 million, he blamed it on illegal immigrants sneaking in and voting? Well this time, he’s gonna lose by 5 million votes, which, by his own logic, means Trump let in 2 million more illegal immigrants, and they all voted for Biden.
CHE – There’s been a few counter demonstrations in red states like Texas and Arkansas, and I just want white Republicans to look on the bright side. You still got Joe Biden. I mean, he’s not the old white guy you want, but he’s still an old white guy. It’s not – is it that different? You wanted a Gordita Crunch, and you got a Chalupa. Big deal. What are you so afraid that Joe Biden’s gonna do? Free the slaves, again?