"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR COLIN JOST – This week was Mental Illness Awareness week, and trust me, we’re aware. President and active bio-weapon Donald Trump took his doctors hostage and broke out of the hospital like Sarah Connor in “Terminator 2”. I guess he must’ve been in a coma and thought the year was 2016 because he started demanding Hillary’s emails and for the feds to arrest Obama.
"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – President Trump claimed to have survived the coronavirus. “Yay.” I’m not gonna say I’m disappointed, but it kind of feels like when there’s a car crash and the only survivor is the drunk driver.
CHE – Trump said him getting COVID was quote, “a blessing from God,” and I bet even God was like, “Hey, we tried, guys.”
CHE – Actually, maybe we should be more optimistic about this. I mean, there’s two ways we can look at it. Either Trump’s telling the truth and we finally have a cure for COVID, or Trump is lying and he’s still gonna die. I’m not gonna say that’s a win-win, but it’s definitely not a lose-lose.
JOST – I also have to say, it’s amazing to watch a guy have a near-death experience and learn nothing from it. It’s like watching someone smoke through the hole in their neck.
JOST – In fact, Trump is now trying to convince Americans that COVID actually makes you stronger and that it made him feel better than he did 20 years ago. So he went from “COVID is a hoax,” to “COVID will disappear one day, like a miracle,” and now he’s like, “Actually, COVID is the miracle, and it was inside of us all along.”
CHE – President Trump said that a therapeutic drug from Regeneron, which is derived from stem cells, is a cure for COVID. Which seems unlikely, unfounded, irresponsible, and I can’t wait to buy a thousand shares of Regeneron Baby Juice stock. I call it Baby Juice. It’s kind of funny that these old Republicans are so anti-abortion when it comes to everybody else, but then they do a complete 180 as soon as stem cells can save their lives or when I get their daughter pregnant.
CHE – Orthodox Jewish leaders in New York City lashed out at a newly imposed Coronavirus restriction in their neighborhoods by setting fires and burning masks. And it’s a miracle, because the masks burned for eight nights.
JOST – Goldman Sachs is reporting that if Joe Biden wins the election and Democrats regain control of Congress, the economy will recover faster. I don’t have a joke for that, I just wanted to point out that Trump’s only thing he says he’s good at is the economy, and then the economy itself was like, “I’m voting for Biden.”
JOST – A new Halloween costume being sold this year is for sexy hand sanitizer. Which I think is just lube.
CHE – McDonald’s announced that for the first time in a decade it’s adding new items to its breakfast bakery menu, including an apple fritter, a blueberry muffin and cinnamon rolls. All for the low, low price of one of your feet.
CHE – Yankees legend Whitey Ford died this week at the age of 91. Ford reminds us of a simpler time when you could just name your kid Whitey.
JOST – Sizzler restaurants have announced that as a result of the impact from COVID, they are filing for bankruptcy. Which is probably a good idea since the Sizzler buffet is the closest thing America has to a Wuhan wet market.
CHE – Researchers in Nova Scotia have found a 50-year-old Great White Shark that they’re calling “Queen of the Ocean” because he gay as hell.
CHE – Pennsylvania police arrested a man who tried to rent a horse online so that he and his wife could have sex with the animal. But the man had no idea that the whole time, he was actually chatting with a police horse.