"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR COLIN JOST – C-SPAN suspended host Steve Scully after he admitted to falsely claiming that his Twitter account was hacked. Wow, just more juicy drama from those messy bitches at C-SPAN.
"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – This week, President Trump also refused to condemn the conspiracy group QAnon, saying, “I know nothing about QAnon.” Which, come on, how could you not know about QAnon? You’re on Twitter all day. That’d be like if I say, “I know nothing about Lexington Steele.” He’s probably just never heard the word QAnon out loud before. I bet when he got home he was like, “Oh, you meant ‘canyon?’ I love those dudes.”
CHE – According to Google, the top Halloween costume searches this year are for witch, dinosaur, and Harley Quinn. Or you can combine all three by going as Kellyanne Conway.
JOST – The Latin American wife of Pennsylvania’s Lieutenant Governor claims that she was called a racist slur while at the grocery store. It was the worst case of racism at the grocery store since every jar of Newman’s Own salsa.
CHE – Fisher-Price has launched an online museum showcasing its toys over the past 90 years. Or you can see them in person at America’s most famous toy museum, the Neverland Ranch.
CHE – Police in Ohio say that a report of a homeless man sleeping on a bench turned out to be a statue. Which was a huge relief because they shot it 15 times.
JOST – A woman flying to Detroit says she woke up to a pastor urinating on her. Which explains why her dream was about her being baptized.
CHE – Almost a hundred art industry figures have criticized four different museums plans to postpone exhibits featuring an artist’s paintings of the KKK. But if you want to see portraits of Klansmen, you can always search “Jost” on Ancestry.com.
JOST – A restaurant in San Francisco is selling a fried chicken sandwich that includes the chicken’s claw. Not to be outdone, KFC just announced their new “beaks only” bucket.