"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR COLIN JOST – Well, the final presidential debate took place on Thursday, and the actual CNN headline after was “Trump Behaved More Like A Regular Person.” That’s not a description of a president, it’s like the description of a robot from “Westworld.”
JOST – This debate was so frustrating to watch. Did anyone else find themselves yelling lines at the screen that they wish Biden had said? Like when Trump talked about how good he’s been for the stock market, I was like, “Joe, the stock market when you were Vice President went up four times higher than Trump’s stock market. You have the ball, you’re standing above the rim, why will you not dunk it?”
JOST – Or when Trump said that Biden is “All talk and no action,” why didn’t Biden just say, “Bitch, show us your taxes, show us the vaccine, show us the wall, and show us what prison you locked Hillary in.”
"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – Trump claimed that he was “the least racist person in the room.” Which is only something the most racist person in a room would say. You’d never hear Marting Luther King going “I’m the least racist…” Nobody’s expecting you to be the least racist. I’d just settle for “not so racist anymore.” When you lie that big, it makes you look more guilty. Like when my uncle told me he doesn’t get high anymore, while he was holding my TV.
JOST – You also know politics in 2020 is stupid when some of the best investigative journalism is being done by Borat. Rudy Giuliani is denying he did anything wrong, after a controversial scene in the new Borat movie, in which he is alone in a hotel room with a female reporter, puts his hands down his pants and appears to start touching himself. Unfortunately, we can’t show you the video. But not because it violates standards, but because anyone who sees it dies in seven days.
JOST – Giuliani defended himself by explaining that he had to lay down on the bed to tuck in his shirt. Which I think is an actual punchline to a “Yo Momma’s So Fat” joke.
CHE – Rates of coronavirus are spiking in almost every state, as the country braces for a possible “third peak.” But are we actually bracing, though? Because the first time, people were having knife fights over Lysol and toilet paper. And now people are back to just eating buffalo wings outside, just licking on their fingers, it’s gross. Am I the only one still terrified by this? Remember when Tom Hanks got it, like five years ago, six months ago? And we all sat teary-eyed, thinking we might lose Forest Gump. Now a whole football team gets sick, and they just move the game. I dunno where I’m going with this. It’s been a really weird week, and I really, really thought the President was gonna die.
JOST – Former President Barack Obama was also back on the campaign trail this week. It was kind of jarring to see. Obama’s presidency seems so long ago, it’s easy to forget he’s fifteen years younger than either of the current candidates. You know who else is younger than the current candidates? The guys we elected in the years 2000 and 1992. Is it just me, or is that insane? This election is the equivalent of a baseball team giving a four-year deal to Willie Mays now.
CHE – New Yorker reporter Jeffrey Toobin has been suspended after getting caught masturbating on a Zoom call. And he’s from the New Yorker, so you know that jerk was dry as hell.
CHE – Popeye’s Chicken announced that they’re bringing back Cajun Style Turkeys for Thanksgiving. It’s a rare piece of good news for people who spend Thanksgiving at Popeye’s.
JOST – NASA has announced plans to put a full 4G cell phone network on the moon. While AT&T has announced plans to put almost two bars on your Earth phone.
JOST – Mattel announced plans for an Elton John-themed Barbie doll. “Finally!” said, Ken.
CHE – The ex-wife of singer Phil Collins has allegedly occupied their Miami mansion and hired armed guards to protect it. In the meantime, Collins is staying at a nearby stu-stu-studio apartment.
CHE – Residents in Rome are upset after a wild boar and her six piglets were killed on a playground near the Vatican. But it’s like they say, “Nothing good ever happens on a playground near the Vatican.”
JOST – German researchers have recorded the shortest interval of time for an event to begin and end. The event finished so quickly, scientists have named it “Che.”
CHE – Rapper Nelly will be appearing on a new line of Budweiser cans. Right under the word “Missing.”