“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – A top diplomat confirmed the quid pro quo with Ukraine, public support for impeachment rose to over half the country, and they even took Trump’s name off his own skating rinks in New York. You know you’re losing support among white voters when you can’t even appeal to ice skaters.
“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has endorsed Bernie Sanders for president. Damn, another young woman turning to an older man promising to pay for college.
JOST – Bernie Sanders announced his plan to legalize marijuana on Thursday at 4:20, because he likes his voters like he likes his taxes: high as hell.
JOST – Two women on the International Space Station made history with the first all-female spacewalk. Which was marked by live television coverage and a male astronaut inside the space station yelling “Kiss!”
JOST – A new poll shows that the best known Supreme Court justice is now Brett Kavanaugh. Sort of in the same way that the best known sandwich mascot is Jared Fogle.
CHE – Lawmakers in Boston are considering a new law that would make it illegal to call someone a “bitch.” Unless, of course, they’re wearing a Yankees hat.
CHE – To celebrate the four hundredth anniversary of the Mayflower, a solar-powered boat will cross the Atlantic. Now personally, I’m not celebrating any ship that crossed the Atlantic four hundred years ago. Fool me twice, shame on me.
JOST – An art student in Norway has trained her pet rat to make tiny paintings with his feet. Critics call the paintings “bad, even by rat standards.”
JOST – Police in Florida arrested a man in a local Target for masturbating with an Olaf doll. Worse, he let it go. I think it’s weird to use an Olaf doll, because most people use their Hans.