"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR COLIN JOST – Experts say that Joe Biden could win in Georgia if he can assemble a coalition of Black voters, white women and rural voters. So, basically, “The Voice.”
"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – You know, I don’t know what’s gonna happen with this election, the tension is just killing me. I don’t know what this world’s gonna be after Tuesday. I may never see you again, Colin. I mean, we might both get drafted in the race war. It’s not fair, you just married Scarlett Johansson, and I just bought an electric bike, we’re both doing equally great.
JOST – Twitter is launching a program to “pre-bunk” misinformation posted on the site. But I don’t know, they taught us in health class that even pre-bunk can get you pregnant.
CHE – The senate voted to confirm Justice Amy Coney Barrett along party lines. “Party lines” is also what Don Jr. does to prepare for interviews.
JOST – Panera announced that it’s adding pizza to its menu, which is the kind of fun story your aunt would’ve posted on Facebook before their algorithms made her a white supremacist.
CHE – A New York City police officer was suspended after he used his loudspeaker to yell “Trump 2020.” According to NYPD guidelines, cops can only whisper “Trump 2020” as they choke someone out.
JOST – Bud Light has introduced new flavors of its hard seltzers for the holiday season, including Apple Crisp, Peppermint Patty and Ginger Snap. Though it’s hard to taste the flavor when you’re so drunk, you reach for a Bud Light Peppermint Patty. And hey guys, fun tip, you can also make your own Bud Light Peppermint Patty at home, by combining Scope and Vodka.
CHE – Prosecutors have filed seven additional counts of sexual assault against porn star Ron Jeremy, who now faces a possible 300 years in prison. But. if anyone can last that long, it’s Ron Jeremy.
JOST – A man in Texas built a robot to hand out candy to trick-or-treaters. He calls it “The Sex Offender Loophole 3000.”