“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – As impeachment gains momentum, President Trump said he may stop referring to the media as “fake news” and start calling them “corrupt news.” And the media says they may stop referring to him as ‘”President Trump” and start calling him “Former President Trump.”
JOST – Trump brushed off any concerns about impeachment saying, “I'm used to it. It's like putting on a suit.” Meaning it’s a massive daily struggle that takes up most of his morning.
“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – Trump keeps saying there was, “No quid pro quo.” Which can only mean there was mad “quid pro quo.” Whenever a guy with Iike a thirty word vocabulary starts quoting the law in Latin, it's 'cause he breaks that law all the time. That’s only something you can learn the hard way. Just like there’s guys who can barely count, but can somehow tell you exactly how much cocaine you can get caught with before it’s considered trafficking. That’s three grams by the way.
CHE – A number of companies have started offering plant-based dog food options. Perfect for anyone who wants to pick up liquid dookie with a plastic bag.
JOST – Lawyers for R. Kelly, who’s being held without bail, are complaining that the singer is only allowed to visit with one of his girlfriends at a time. Worse, visiting hours conflict with the schedule of their middle school.
JOST – A new study suggests that fathers-to-be should stop drinking alcohol six months before trying to conceive a child. The study's goal was to end Ireland.
CHE – A Manhattan attorney has filed a 100,000 dollar lawsuit against a batting cage company after a faulty machine fired a 75 MPH fastball into his left testicle. So I guess, ball one.
JOST – A new study finds that cats bond with people like dogs do but are too aloof to show it. Which is why I named my cat, "Dad."
CHE – Residents on Staten Island are upset with a local man who keeps a pet horse in his yard, saying the animal smells and attracts flies. But you know what else smells and attracts flies? Staten Island.
CHE – Two people in Michigan accessed a computer billboard along a highway and changed the display to show a pornographic movie. As a result, police say there were a record number of car jackings.