Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.8.19

How great was it outside in New York City, it was 77 degrees out there! It was so nice outside, even President Trump did a little a spring cleaning -- he threw out his Secretary of Homeland Security.

Trump’s Homeland Security Secretary, Kirstjen Nielsen, resigned. She was in charge of border security, but after working with Trump for two years, she finally decided to deport herself. Actually, Nielsen said that this was the right time to step down, and she looks forward to spending more time separating her own family.

Nielsen said she’ll stay on until Wednesday so she can “assist with an orderly transition.” That’s right, she’s training the new Homeland Security Secretary for 2 days! Shouldn’t that take longer? Hell, even Starbucks baristas take two weeks to train their replacements!

The 2020 election is in full swing, and Pete Buttigieg is feeling pretty confident. On “Meet The Press,” he said he’s got more experience than the past two presidents. Some people disagree cuz he’s only a 37-year-old mayor. But I think those people forgot our current president is a former game show host.

But all the candidates are trying to stand out. Now Bernie Sanders is saying that he wants to make it legal for felons to be able to vote while they’re in prison. It’s an interesting idea, but you do NOT wanna know how he plans on getting the ballots inside the jail.

Elizabeth Warren is also in the news. A new poll found that she’s currently in third place in her own home state of Massachusetts. But keep in mind, second place is a Dunkin’ Donuts cashier, and first place is Gronk.

There was a marathon in North Korea, and they had a record-high turnout. Marathons are a little different in North Korea – as soon as the race starts, everyone runs in different directions.

March Madness wrapped up tonight with the championship game between Virginia and Texas Tech! So, if you had picked those two teams in your are a liar.

Police in New York City had to remove a raccoon that had snuck down into the subway. Passengers saw the raccoon and were like, “Gross! He’s actually TOUCHING the pole!”

I read that McDonald’s will no longer serve Filet-O-Fish sandwiches after midnight. If you’re someone who was eating fish at McDonald’s after midnight, this might be a good time to re-evaluate your life choices.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.9.19

March Madness came to an end last night, with Virginia coming out on top as the number one team! In three weeks, we went from 68 all the way down to 1 -- it was just like the staff at the White House

But I wanna say congrats to the Virginia Cavaliers, it’s the first time they’ve ever won a National Championship. After the game, the coach told his players, “I love you guys more than anything.” Then he looked up, and realized they’d already left for the NBA.

Of course, it was a tough loss for Texas Tech and I read that last November, someone in Vegas actually bet fifteen-hundred bucks on Texas Tech to win the tournament, which would’ve given him 300,000 dollars. If you want to ask him about it, he’s currently sitting on the floor of his closet, rocking back and forth.

Bernie Sanders is on the campaign trail, and this week he’s visiting five battleground states. Yeah, it’s actually Bernie’s first time on a battleground since Gettysburg.

This week alone, Bernie’s heading to Wisconsin, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Indiana, and Ohio. The only thing more impressive than Bernie campaigning in five states is that you can actually hear him in ten.

But Bernie’s got his work cut out for him, cuz a new poll has Joe Biden leading the Democratic field. And it’s a tricky situation. Some experts think Biden’s too inappropriate with women to beat the other Democrats -- and yet, not inappropriate enough to beat Trump.

Today, Attorney General William Barr said he'll deliver the Mueller Report to Congress within a week, and it’ll have “color-coded” redactions. And this is nice, he’s letting Don Jr. do all the coloring.

I read that prosecutors want all the parents who pleaded guilty to get prison time. Yeah, they’ll be forced to live in a tiny concrete room with a stranger. So at least SOMEONE in the family gets to experience dorm life.

Right now in Japan, one in four adults is a virgin, and sexual inexperience is becoming a major concern. It's so bad, when sons ask their dads how sex works, the dads respond, “I was hoping you’d tell me.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.10.19

It was 60 degrees here in New York today! But the Midwest wasn’t as lucky -- they’re getting hit with freezing temperatures and several feet of snow. People in the Midwest were like, “Okay -- this marketing campaign for ‘Game of Thrones’ is way too intense.”

Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders says that he’s gonna release his tax returns on Monday, and thanks to his book sales, they’re actually expected to show that Bernie is now a millionaire. Yeah, Bernie Sanders is a millionaire! He’s pretty freaked out -- he was like, “Oh my God, the one percent is coming from inside the house!”

Of course, Bernie’s trying to downplay it. At a rally today, he was like, “Don’t be fooled by the new socks that I got, I’m still, I’m still Bernie from the block!”

The guy who’s spent his life ranting against millionaires IS a millionaire. That’s like finding out Smokey the Bear is a pyromaniac! It’s like finding out the Hamburglar is a vegan! It’s like Joe Biden telling us he’s spent 40 years teaching classes on workplace harassment.

Speaking of Biden. I heard that he’s gonna officially announce he’s running after Easter. Which is fitting, since his current strategy is hiding in a cave for a few days until some stuff blows over.

Today is Wednesday, but it’s also “National Siblings Day.” Or as Jamie and Cersei Lannister call it “Humpday.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.11.19

This morning, the founder of Wikileaks, Julian Assange was arrested in London. He’s being brought to the U.S. on charges of leaking secrets, and he’s facing a pretty rough punishment. They're gonna make him Trump’s new Secretary of Homeland Security.

I saw that the European Union is pushing back Brexit until October. When American’s heard about the delay they were like, “Great, that gives me six more months to figure out what Brexit is.”

Today, President Trump had a big meeting with South Korea’s president, who’s trying to convince Trump to meet with Kim Jong Un for a THIRD time. But it got weird today when Trump was like, “Wait – I thought you WERE Kim Jong Un.”

I heard that 37 year-old Democratic candidate Pete Buttigieg has been gaining in the polls, and he’s now third behind Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders. He said he’s got a great strategy to beat Biden and Bernie – make it to 2020.

I heard about an Argentinian company that designed a new condom that comes in a package that requires 4 hands to open. Because that was the problem with condoms, they were too easy to open.

According to a new study, we could help slow down the effects of climate change by using flying cars and if you think that’s a good idea - think about the worst Uber driver you’ve ever had - and imagine them driving a plane.

This week, on an American Airlines flight to Dallas, the flight attendant accidentally spilled drinks on a passenger -- and then she found out, he was the CEO of American Airlines. When the rest of the plane heard, they also dumped their drinks on him.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.12.19

I read that the cloak that Kit Harington wears on the show is actually a rug from IKEA. Yeah, and when he heard that, President Trump was like, “Who cares? So is my hair.”

It’s not just Game of Thrones weekend, it’s also Coachella, a lot of people are getting ready to travel out to California for the festival -- while their friends are getting ready to mute them on Instagram.

The 2020 election is in full swing, and I read that two young campaign staffers that used to work for Beto O’Rourke, left him for Bernie Sanders. Beto says he knew they were cheating on him when they would come back to his office smelling like Bengay.