Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.12.19

It was a beautiful weekend here in New York City! It was so nice, the prison guards watching Jeffrey Epstein's cell left for hours to have a picnic.

Right now, President Trump is in New Jersey on a 10 day vacation. White House staffers were excited, until they realized they’ve gotta spend 10 days with Mike Pence. “Who wants to alphabetize some memos?!”

This is Trump’s August retreat –- or as he calls it, “My August re-tweet.” People close to Trump say that he’s spending most of his vacation tweeting, golfing, and watching TV. Unlike when he’s working, where spends his time golfing, tweeting, and watching TV.

Not only is Trump on break -- so is Congress and the Supreme Court. It’s probably not a good sign for our country that all three branches of government are on vacation and no one can tell the difference.

The Trump administration is staying busy. Today they announced a new rule that makes it harder for legal immigrants to get green cards. Now the only way an immigrant can get a green card is by marrying Trump.

The White House also announced they’re taking away protections from endangered species. In response, the bald eagle living in Trump’s hair immediately went into hiding.

Back in Iowa, Kamala Harris just debuted a new campaign bus with her name on the side. Bill de Blasio is riding in something similar -- but across the side, it says “Greyhound.”

Speaking of de Blasio. He went to Iowa for the State Fair, but only 15 people showed up to his event. 15 people? There’s more moles in the whack-a-mole game at the Iowa State Fair.

Doctors say that a man suffered a collapsed lung after a night of intense karaoke. He’s doing okay now, but just to be safe they’re warning people not to even bother Lady Gaga’s part in “Shallow.”

I saw that today was National Middle Child Day and you could tell it was National Middle Child Day, because everyone forgot about it.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.13.19

Trump took a break from his trip to visit the Shell Chemical plant in Beaver County, Pennsylvania. When he showed up in Beaver County and saw a chemical plant, he was like, “This is definitely not what I thought it was.”

Actually, Trump was excited to visit the Shell Chemical plant, because “Shell Chemical” is his brand of hairspray.

While he was in San Francisco, Alex Rodriguez had 500,000 dollars-worth of stuff stolen from his rental car. The items included some jewelry, a camera, and a gym bag containing a house and another rental car.

Olive Garden is once again selling its “Lifetime Pasta Pass.” Here’s how it works – You eat a lifetime’s worth pasta at one meal, and then you pass.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.14.19

Hot crowd! Please please keep it down, you might wake up Jeffrey Epstein’s prison guards.

It just came out that the guards in charge of Jeffrey Epstein were asleep on the job. Even worse – today they were re-assigned to guard El Chapo.

Democratic candidate John Hickenlooper is considering dropping out of the presidential race. “Don’t do it!” Said, absolutely no one. Do you guys know about John Hickenlooper? Yeah, that was part of the problem. He’s leaving the race. When he broke the news to all his supporters, they were like, “Cool dad, thanks for telling us.”

It makes sense, right now, he’s polling at zero percent. I’m not saying his campaign is in bad shape, but even the guard who fell asleep watching Jeffrey Epstein is at two percent.

On a recent Delta flight from Aspen to Salt Lake City, there was just one passenger. Just one guy on the whole plane, but when they were boarding, they still made him wait until Zone 5. When the beverage cart went by – it STILL slammed into his knee, and they lost his bag.

A Florida couple who met at the grocery store Publix decided to take their engagement photos in the grocery store. If they ever split up, they’ll just put one of those checkout dividers between themselves.

Everyone’s okay, but in Seattle a 70 year-old man mixed up the break pedal and the gas pedal, and drove through the window of an LA Fitness. He’s in the pool! I can’t tell what’s scarier – the accident, or that the driver is seven years younger than Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.15.19

The one and only John Travolta is here! A legend! I’m a huge fan of every movie he’s been in. He can sing, he can dance, he can act! He’s here promoting his new film, “The Fanatic.” Which after saying all that – is probably about me.

We’re halfway through August and people don’t know how to handle this weird time between summer and fall. Today I saw someone drinking a Pumpkin Spiced Rosé.

Yesterday the stock market dropped 800 points and suffered its worst loss of the year. I’m not saying the economy is in trouble, but right now giving money to John Hickenlooper’s presidential campaign is a better investment.

The stock market plummeted 800 points! The graph was intense. It looked like a heart monitor BEFORE you buy Olive Garden’s Lifetime Pasta Pass...and AFTER you buy Olive Garden’s Lifetime Pasta Pass.

Trump’s allies are worried that he’s “running out of tools” to fix the economy. When Trump heard, he was like, “Not true. I have Eric and Don Jr, they’re more than enough tools.”

News of the economy is really hurting Trump’s popularity. A new poll was just released that says Trump’s disapproval rate is at 56 percent, and now I’m really worried Trump might not fix the economy because he just asked, “What do the other 56 percent think?”

The film “Blinded By The Light” comes out tomorrow night, and it’s inspired by the music of Bruce Springsteen! When asked how many stars he’d give the film, Bruce said, “One...two...three...four!”

Coca-Cola just announced they’re releasing two new flavors – Coca-Cola Cinnamon and Winter Spiced Cranberry Sprite. The company says they’ll be available while supplies last – and based on those flavors, that’ll be forever.

In Idaho, the Guinness World Record was just broken for “Most People Scratching Lotto Tickets At The Same Time.” Even worse, that’s Trump’s plan to fix the economy.

I saw a new study that found people who left their phones at home during vacation experienced symptoms of withdrawal, eventually they just started pointing at random objects and people and yelling “LIKE!”

I read about a new trend where people have started adding bitmoji's to their resumes. They’re actually pretty helpful, now the person interviewing you knows exactly why you’re unemployed.

In Florida, there was a raccoon that had to be rescued from a vending machine. The rescue was pretty easy - firefighters just put in a dollar and pressed “A-2.”

Have you guys ever heard of Longneck Avocados? Well, photos of them are going viral. The eggplant emoji saw that and was like, “Well, I had a good run.”