Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.3.20

I wanna say congrats to the Kansas City Chiefs on winning Super Bowl LIV! And an even bigger congrats to everyone in Kansas City who showed up to work today.

I saw that Bernie Sanders actually hosted a Super Bowl party in Iowa yesterday. He even made his special three-layer dip: Robitussin, Metamucil, and Werther’s Originals.

Pete Buttigieg went to an Iowa voter’s Super Bowl party. At halftime, the voter and his son took Pete outside and tossed him around the front yard.

Yesterday was also Groundhog Day! I saw that Punxsutawney Phil predicted an early spring. If you’re keeping track: we don’t listen to scientists about the climate, but we do listen to a rodent that lives in a hole.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.4.20

I am your host Jimmy Fallon, and based on zero percent of the vote, I’m declaring myself the winner of Iowa!

People are still talking about last night’s Iowa caucuses. It was being called the “Super Bowl of politics,” but it ended up being called the “Fyre Festival.”

A bunch of technical issues made for a long night in Iowa without a winner. We haven’t seen that many confused white people since they first tried to dab.

The caucuses were delayed, chaotic, and frustrating, which explains their official sponsor: “Spirit Airlines.”

You could tell Iowa was having trouble counting votes – at one point, they called Florida for help.

They had four years to prepare, and they messed it up. If NBC can count votes for “The Voice,” then Iowa should be able to do it for a presidential election.

The company that made the Iowa voting app is actually called “Shadow.” Even Mark Zuckerberg was like, “Seems shady.”

It came out that Pete Buttigieg’s campaign has paid Shadow to do work for them in the past, so all day, the hashtag “Mayor Cheat” was trending on Twitter. Democrats were furious. Even Mike Bloomberg was like, “How dare you try to buy this election!”

In Washington, tonight President Trump delivered his State of the Union address. You can tell he’s fired up about the impeachment trial ending – he rolled in on a hoverboard, tossing out glow sticks.

The White House said Trump’s speech was designed to focus on “policy buckets” like the economy and immigration. As opposed to the buckets Trump usually focuses on: original and extra crispy.

The New York State Senate is considering a bill that would make it illegal to text while walking. Some Senators are voting "no" while the rest are voting "K."

Scientists just discovered a new weed compound that’s 30 times more powerful than THC. That’s the good news – the bad news is they gave out free samples at the Iowa caucuses last night.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.5.20

Last night, President Trump gave his State of the Union address and, if you thought this season of The Bachelor had way too much!

The biggest moment of the night was after Trump’s speech when Pelosi took her copy of it and ripped one page after another. People were shocked, cause when they heard someone “ripped one” at the State of the Union, everyone thought it would be Trump.

Between Pelosi and J. Lo, women over 50 are tearing it up this week!

For Trump’s entire speech, Pelosi reacted to many lines with slight head nods and eye movements. It was so bad, I couldn’t tell if she was reacting to the speech or giving secret signs to the Houston Astros.

People called Trump’s speech a 78-minute victory lap. Let’s see, for Trump, one lap 78-minutes...yeah that sounds about right.

Today, the Senate officially acquitted Trump in his impeachment trial. The Senators voted on Trump’s impeachment around 4 p.m., and we knew the results right away. Or as Iowa put it, “Hey, how’d you do that?!”

The results weren’t surprising and it was largely determined by old white men. If you want more of that, tune-in to the Oscars! This Sunday at 8 p.m.

Trump was acquitted today. Then he called up Ukraine and said, “Now...where were we?”

Republican Senator Mitt Romney broke with his party and voted to convict Trump. Romney’s decision took a lot of grit, nerve, and guts – incidentally, "grit, nerve, and guts" are the names of some of Mitt Romney’s sons.

Today the Kansas City chiefs held their Super Bowl Parade. All the confetti was hand ripped by Nancy Pelosi.

A Canadian man said that he’s burned one million dollars in cash to avoid paying his wife child support. Even Nancy Pelosi was like, "That's a little extreme."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.6.20

This morning, President Trump attended the National Prayer Breakfast. After being acquitted, God was like “Oh you better be here, dude.”

Not only was Trump at the National Prayer Breakfast, but Nancy Pelosi was also there. Which explains the theme of this year’s breakfast: “Awkward!”

The breakfast seemed like a good time. Trump ordered all the pancakes while Pelosi ordered all the mimosas.

At the breakfast, Trump showed off a copy of USA Today with the headline “Acquitted.” Trump was like, “Now I can do anything I want – I even stole this USA Today from a Holiday Inn.”

Trump was having fun until a second later when Nancy Pelosi popped out and ripped the newspaper in half.

You could tell Trump was in a good mood. He even awarded the Medal of Freedom to the guy working the omelette station.

Later in the day, he held a press conference about his acquittal where he walked out to a standing ovation. Seriously, I haven’t seen that many happy white guys since the Utah Jazz made the playoffs.

As of this morning there were still not enough results counted in Iowa to call a winner. At this point, even Bernie Sanders and Pete Buttigieg are like, “Just forget it.”

The Iowa results are coming in and Bernie Sanders is trailing Pete Buttigieg by less than 1%! Which explains why all-day Bernie was yelling, “Now I really hate the one-percent!”

Things are going well for Bernie. In January, he raised 25 million dollars. When he realized how rich he is, Bernie started running attack ads against himself.

The CEO of LinkedIn announced that he is stepping down. Unfortunately, when he sent out the press release, no one read it cuz it came from LinkedIn.

A dog in Iowa that went missing three years ago was just reunited with its family. It would’ve happened sooner, but the search was led by the Iowa Democratic Party.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.7.20

It’s been a few days now and we still don’t know who won Iowa. Poor Bernie Sanders – he already looks like he spent the last 20 years waiting for results. “Tell me doc, is it acid reflux or indigestion!”

It’s the Academy Awards, and there’s a lot of criticism that the nominees aren’t more diverse. You can tell the Oscars are too white – this year’s gift bags are just filled with New Balance sneakers.

The U.S. Department of Transportation just approved the first driverless delivery cars. These are crazy times we’re living in. Our delivery cars are driverless, our Oscars are hostless, and our elections are winnerless.

Disney is coming out with a new Star Wars-themed hotel. It’s the only hotel where you hear a knock on the door and someone says, “Luke, I’m am your housekeeper.”

A “Star Wars” hotel. If you check in with your sibling, they’re like, “One bed or two?”