Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.27.20

There was an impeachment bombshell that just came out, and it could possibly bring down Trump’s presidency, or as it’s known in the White House: Monday.

We found out that former National Security Advisor John Bolton’s new book has a firsthand account of Trump personally freezing aid for Ukraine to get dirt on the Bidens. You can tell Trump was caught off-guard by Bolton. Today he was like, “All I did was fire you, give you a mean nickname and insult the job you did and this is the thanks I get?!”

Bolton used to work for Trump, and now his book could bring him down. Today, Trump was faced with the two things he hates the most: disloyalty and reading.

I wanna say congrats to Billie Eilish for winning five Grammy’s last night. She’s feeling so happy and upbeat, now she has no idea how she’ll write her next song.

Billie Eilish was the big winner and before winning her 5th Grammy, she was seen mouthing “Please don’t be me.” It’s tough to give a 5th acceptance speech. At a certain point, you just start looking around the room for things to thank.

Jameson whiskey has a new cold brew coffee that includes whiskey. It's perfect if you're looking to start your day, and then immediately end it.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.28.20

Former New York City Mayor and 2020 Presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg is my guest tonight! I heard if we’re good, he’s gonna give all of us a billion dollars.

Mike Bloomberg is so rich, some people might think he’s out of touch, but I don’t think so. Backstage, he was just hanging out, buying a Twix from the vending machine, with a thousand-dollar bill.

Mike Bloomberg is actually worth almost 60 billion dollars! Mike is so rich, he has two Disney Plus accounts.

Mike Bloomberg is so rich, he’s the only person to ever buy the 20 dollar scratch-off ticket.

Mike Bloomberg is so rich, he just bought a big screen TV and the extended warranty.

Bloomberg has already spent over 250 million dollars on his campaign. Right now, there’s basically three things on Network television – Late night talk shows, shows about Chicago, and ads for Mike Bloomberg.

I actually have to be careful how I talk about Mike Bloomberg, cuz if I say “former New York City Mayor” three times, Rudy Giuliani will appear from a puff of smoke.

More revelations are coming out from John Bolton’s new book. Apparently, he was afraid that Trump was granting favors to the leaders of Turkey and China. I’m not saying Trump wants this book to disappear, but he just bought all the copies and threw them in Jeffrey Epstein’s prison cell.

The president asked, "Are you better off now than you were three years ago? Almost everyone say YES!” Then Trump was like, "Can I get a mostly hell yeah."

The Middle East peace plan was put together by Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner. So if it works, the Middle East can look back at this moment and say “We went to Jared!”

Last night was an all-new episode of “The Bachelor,” and the girls were pretty surprised when Chris Harrison told them they were going on a group date to...Cleveland. At first, they were like, “this isn’t a romantic date, this is a layover”

All the girls went to Cleveland, and they played football in the Browns Stadium. Afterward, half the girls got roses from Peter, and the rest got contracts from the Browns.

I saw that there’s a new Transformers movie in the works. It should be pretty cool. If you pay to see the movie, it transforms your 12 dollars into regret.

Justin Bieber just released a 10 part docu-series on YouTube. You can either watch ten YouTube videos, or 4,800 Tik Toks.

A new study found children who watch cooking shows eat healthier snacks. The study also found children who watch Gordon Ramsay are more likely to throw their mom’s risotto and call them a stupid donkey.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.29.20

President Trump’s Senate impeachment trial continued today with part one of a 16 hour question-and-answer session. If you thought this trial couldn’t get any more were right!

16 hours of Q&A! Today, Bernie Sanders was like, “Who’s on trial, Trump or my bladder?!”

16 hours of questions. It’s like what happens after you set up the WiFi at your parents’ house.

The Senators wrote their questions on a slip of paper, that was handed to Chief Justice John Roberts, who read it out loud. Which got awkward when Roberts was like, “Okay, next question...Why is John Roberts such a wang?”

A college football coach in Michigan was suspended after telling the student newspaper he admired Hitler’s leadership skills. Even crazier, all the reporter asked was, “Who’s gonna be your quarterback next season?”

Afterward, the coach was like, “Ah, I shoulda said Bin Laden!”

Police in Florida caught an alligator who was peering into windows at a local shopping center. There was a sad moment when the alligator saw some boots and was like, “Carl?!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.30.20

Tonight is gonna be fun, energetic, exciting – pretty much the opposite of Trump’s impeachment trial.

Tonight the Senate wrapped up the Q&A portion of the impeachment trial, after 16 hours of questions. 16 hours of questions – it’s like going through customs with a tangerine.

Now we’ve arrived at the big moment in the trial – the vote on whether or not to allow witnesses. And I heard that if there’s a tie, Chief Justice John Roberts could cast the deciding vote. When he heard, Roberts was like, “Oh God, I wish I hadn’t been zoning out this whole time.”

In honor of the Super Bowl, Pizza Hut is offering a prize to the family that gives birth to the first set of twins after kickoff. So guys – when your wife's in labor on Sunday, just remind her to hurry cuz of Pizza Hut.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.31.20

Super Bowl 54 is on Sunday! So many exciting questions! Who will win? Who will lose? Most importantly, who will take the hint when the game’s over, it’s time to leave my house?!

I’m actually having a big Super Bowl party this year. I’m really looking forward to it – mostly so I can serve the guac that’s been in my fridge since last year’s Super Bowl.

One of the players on the Kansas City Chiefs is actually a doctor. When he gets hurt, he asks himself, “How many fingers am I holding up?”

Right before the game, FOX will air an interview with President Trump. Even the biggest Trump supporters are like, “Can we have just one damn day that isn’t about him?!”

Not only is the Super Bowl on Sunday, it’s also Groundhog Day! Things are gonna be a little different this year. Now if the groundhog sees his shadow, it means six more weeks of Trump’s impeachment trial.

Speaking of Trump's impeachment trial, today the Senate voted against hearing from witnesses. Which explains the Republicans new slogan, “If you see something, no you didn’t.”

Senator Mitt Romney actually stood up against his party and voted for witnesses. You know the Republican party has changed a lot, when the bad boy rebel is Mitt Romney.

A dentist in Georgia who collects toothpaste says he has over 3,000 tubes. That’s crazy – if he just learned how to squeeze from the bottom, he’d only need like 2,000.

I saw that Coca-Cola just released a new line of energy drinks, called “Coke Energy,” and it has over 3-times the caffeine as regular Coke. And this is fun – if you add just a scoop of meth it becomes Mountain Dew.