Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.13.17

Of course, it’s this big snow storm that was expected to hit New York. In fact, some are saying we could experience a whiteout. But things will even out on St. Patrick’s Day, when we all experience a blackout. (DRUNK) “You see where I put the carrot on that snowman??”

Yeah, the blizzard is also supposed to hit Washington D.C. You'll know it's cold outside when the Washington Monument actually shrinks by about 40 feet.

March Madness is here! Yep, it’s the time of year I go right from my “Bachelor” bracket to my NCAA bracket.

If you’re not familiar, here’s how the NCAA tournament works - it starts at 68, then 64, then 32, then 16, then 8, then 4, then 1. Wait, I’m sorry – that’s the number of Republicans backing Trump’s healthcare bill.

Oh, this was kind of scary. On Friday night, someone actually jumped the White House fence. Secret Service eventually caught them and said, “Sorry, but you have to stay here for ALL four years, Mr. President.” (TRUMP) “It was worth a try.”

Some TV news here. The creators of "Game of Thrones" just announced that the show’s final season will only be six episodes, instead of ten. That’s when you know things are crazy on “Game of Thrones” – when even the EPISODES are getting killed off.

And finally, you guys, the remake of Disney's "Beauty and the Beast" comes out this week! There's a talking teapot, a singing candlestick, and Kellyanne Conway's favorite character: the spying microwave.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.14.17

Of course, it’s this huge blizzard that hit the East Coast. Yeah, I read that 120 million people were affected by today's snowstorm. Yep, 120 million people worked from home...on their March Madness brackets.

But the storm really messed with people’s travel here in New York, and many subway stops had to shut down. Then mariachi bands said, "That's okay - we'll just come to your house."

Well you guys, last night was the big finale of “The Bachelor!” And Nick wound up getting engaged to Vanessa, a teacher from Canada. Nick didn’t PLAN on marrying Vanessa, but after seeing the GOP healthcare plan, moving to Canada was the logical decision.

Last night’s finale actually took place in Finland, and at one point, Nick took Vanessa on a horseback ride through the snow. I’d normally think that’s romantic, but that’s how I got to work today.

I read that the ring Nick gave Vanessa when he proposed costs 100,000 dollars. Which explains the NEXT show Vanessa will be appearing on: "Pawn Stars."

But despite the engagement, it’s hard to say what Nick's future holds. I mean, he's a reality star who married an immigrant he barely knows and oh my God, he's gonna be President of the United States.

Let’s get to some political news. I saw that Trump left four empty chairs at his first cabinet meeting yesterday, to represent his nominees who haven’t been confirmed. And then there was another empty chair because Education Secretary Betsy DeVos couldn’t figure out how to sit in it.

And finally, I read about a marijuana dispensary in Los Angeles that doubles as an art gallery. Yeah, patrons stare at the art for hours before being told, “Sir, that’s the exit sign.” (STONER) “It’s, like, so red!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.15.17

We have Rachel Maddow on the show tonight! Of course, Rachel’s in the news because she got ahold of Donald Trump’s 2005 tax return on her show. But a lot of people were saying it didn’t really show much. So I guess last night, people had to pick between watching “This Is Us” or “This Is Nothing.”

But get this. The tax return apparently had a “Client Copy” stamp on it, and many think it came from someone very close to Trump. Then Melania said, “Well I guess I’M off the hook!” (Haven’t talked to him since January.)

Meanwhile, the White House is also criticizing Rachel Maddow, saying it’s “totally illegal to steal & publish tax returns.” Yeah they said the documents should be released the proper way: by having a Russian hacker give them to Wikileaks.

But it seems like these leaks have everyone in Washington worried. In fact, a White House aide says that when he gets home, he turns off his work phone and puts it in a drawer because he's afraid it can listen to him. Meanwhile when she gets home, Kellyanne Conway hides her microwave in the closet.

Let’s get to some sports news. I saw that the New York Jets tried to get free-agent Dont’a Hightower over the weekend by giving him cupcakes and wishing him a Happy Birthday on every TV in the building. Hightower says it was nice, but it only counts if they say it on Facebook.

And listen to this. I read that Russia may have trouble getting athletes to compete in the 2018 Olympics after their big doping scandal. People were confused - they were like, “You can rig an ELECTION, but not a urine test?”

And finally, this was kinda nice. I saw that the cast of “Jersey Shore” reunited here in New York the other day. I guess it happened when Times Square Elmo and Times Square Cookie Monster took off their heads and were like, (JERSEY) "Snooki?!" "The Situation?!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.16.17

It’s another setback for President Trump. Last night, a federal judge in Hawaii blocked a second version of his travel ban, and now Trump says he’ll bring it to the Supreme Court. And if THEY block it - he said he'll take it to the Justice League. (TRUMP) "Batman owes me one."

I saw that today, Ireland's Prime Minister visited the White House and gave Trump a bowl filled with shamrocks. Then Trump was like, (TRUMP, LOOK AT BOWL) "Where are the tiny marshmallows? And how am I supposed to eat these without milk??"

And while he was in Tennessee yesterday, Trump gave a speech from the estate of former president Andrew Jackson. Trump may have been confused, because he also praised Andrew Jackson’s brothers: Michael, Jermaine, Randy and Tito. (No Marlon? No Love for Marlon?)

Let’s get to some sports, you guys. Today was the start of March Madness! Or as a lot of husbands call it, "Payback for the three hour Bachelor finale."

And finally, this is cool. I saw that John McCain filled out a March Madness bracket for ESPN. When asked what pick he feels best about, he said Arizona. And when asked what pick he feels WORST about, he said Sarah Palin. (That's still a tough one for him.)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.17.17

Yep, for many, today is a proud day to celebrate Irish heritage. But for most, it’s the start of pregaming for Cinco De Mayo. A little primer.

Get this. I read that 13 million pints of Guinness were expected to be consumed today. They just didn't expect we'd do it by 9 a.m. We’re overachievers, you guys! USA! USA!

Yeah, there was a LOT of drinking today. So for once, it wasn’t a big deal when Sean Spicer showed up to his White House press briefing with a flask.

But again, on behalf of everyone here at the Tonight Show, I’d like to wish you all a Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! If you're Irish, raise a glass. And if you're not Irish, raise two!

Let’s get to some news here. Yesterday, a Senate Intelligence Committee announced that it had found no evidence that President Trump had been wiretapped by President Obama. When asked if he'd apologize to Obama, Trump said, (TRUMP) "I'll just say I’m sorry the next time he wiretaps me."

But the White House DID apologize for accusing British intelligence of helping Obama wiretap Trump during the campaign. And to show that there's no hard feelings, the UK promised to never listen to anything Trump says ever again.