Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.13.19

From “This Is Us,” Milo Ventimiglia is my guest tonight! And 2020 presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg is here! Right now, they're both backstage trying to pronounce each other's names.

Everybody’s talking about last night’s all-new episode of “Game of Thrones!” Now I won’t give away any spoilers -- but I will say they killed off the Starbucks cup.

“Game of Thrones” might be winding down, but “The Bachelorette” is just getting started! The season premiere was tonight, and you can tell they’re trying to copy the success of “Game of Thrones,” cuz one of the contestants is her brother.

President Trump is in a trade war with China, and I saw that Chinese officials said that, “No one should expect China to swallow bitter fruit.” Then Trump fired back, “I believe the word is ‘vegetable.’”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.14.19

It’s supposed to be Spring, but today it actually snowed in some parts of the country. People were like, “Where’s Daenerys and her dragon when you NEED them?!”

The president’s trade war isn’t letting up. After he decided to tax things we get from China, they decided to tax things they get from us -- and experts are calling it “tit for tat.” Then Trump was like, “Let’s trade all our tat for tit.”

I read that China already raised tariffs on wine, hair gel, swimsuits, and condoms, and that might not affect you, but it’s gonna cripple the Bachelor mansion.

I saw that the CEO of Bed Bath & Beyond is stepping down. He was supposed to leave Bed Bath & Beyond last month, but he kept seeing things he needed.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.15.19

Howard Stern is my guest tonight! The guy is a legend! He’s known for saying obviously outrageous, shocking, and sometimes even offensive things. With that kind of resumé - he shouldn’t be writing a book – he should be running for president! That’s right, he’s got a new book out, and it’s already a best seller! You can tell the book’s huge cuz for the first time in years, someone actually walked into a Barnes & Noble.

It’s pretty cool. This is the first book Howard’s written in 24 years. One book in 24 years! When he heard that, George R.R. Martin was like, “Wow, this guy is fast!”

Tonight we also have music from “Of Monsters and Men!” Not only is "Of Monsters and Men" a great name for a band, but it’s also how most women describe the Alabama Senate.

Today is May 15th. It’s the day everyone in Alabama set their clocks back 50 years.

Last night, Donald Trump Jr. agreed to testify before a Senate Committee, but only for a maximum of four hours. Apparently that’s as long as Don Jr. can leave Eric outside in the car.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.16.19

After 12 years, today was the final episode of “The Big Bang Theory.” But don’t worry, it was also the beginning of a brand new comedy -- Bill de Blasio’s presidential campaign.

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio joined the race, and a lot of people were surprised cuz his poll numbers are pretty bad. Right now, just 21 percent of New Yorkers support him running. To put that in perspective, 22 percent of New Yorkers support a wet seat on the subway.

I heard that right after he made his announcement, de Blasio left to go campaign in Iowa. Then when he got stuck at LaGuardia for six hours, he was like, “Friggin’ de Blasio!”

Today, President Trump revealed his new immigration plan. Not for the border -- he’s trying to stop every woman from leaving Alabama.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle might be raising their new baby to be a vegan. So what a day that’ll be – finding out you’re a prince, but then finding out you’re vegan.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.17.19

Let’s talk about this new law in Alabama. After they passed a bill restricting women’s reproductive rights, I saw that Missouri passed something similar. The lawmakers are proud of themselves now, but that’ll change when they look around like, “Hey, where’d all the women go?”

Even televangelist Pat Robertson said the Alabama law goes “too far.” Pat Robertson! That’s like Snoop Dogg telling Seth Rogen, “Bro, ease up on the weed.”

This week in New Hampshire, Joe Biden went to a house party where he told a group of supporters that he wants to decriminalize marijuana, and then a group of people out on the back deck were like, “Way ahead of you, buddy!”

I heard about a conservative radio station in Connecticut that’s renaming itself “Trump 103.3,” which is fitting, cuz that’s also what Trump tells people his approval rating is.

One of the big movies out this weekend is “A Dog’s Journey,” and I heard it’s been making everyone cry. Though it’s weird when you see someone crying and you’re like, “A Dog’s Journey?” and they’re like, “No, ‘Detective Pikachu.’”

“A Dog’s Journey” is in theaters, and so is “John Wick: Chapter 3.” But if you saw the first John Wick, you know “A Dog’s Journey” does not end well.

A couple at a restaurant in the UK ordered some regular wine, but their server accidentally gave them a 6,000 dollar bottle, and then the waiter was like, “Can I close out your check now, cuz I’m about to be fired.”