Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.6.19

Will Smith is our guest tonight! So between him and the new Royal Baby that makes TWO Fresh Princes.

I wanna say congrats to Meghan Markle and Prince Harry -- today, they welcomed a baby boy! The minute he was born, he looked at his parents, and said, “Ed Sheeran and the lady from Suits?!”

I read that the new baby is seventh in line for the throne. So the only way he’ll be king is if the Kentucky Derby judges disqualify everyone else.

Everyone’s still talking about the Kentucky Derby. It was crazy! The winner -- Maximum Security -- was disqualified after he made a wide turn and wandered into another horse’s lane. Afterward, the horse was like, “Yeah I had couple mint juleps before the race. So what?!” ”You think you’re better than me?”

On Friday, Trump called Vladimir Putin, and they spoke for over an hour. Yeah, it was an hour of Trump rambling, and an hour of Putin trying different lines to end the conversation. “Okay, then...Yes, well, I should get going...Wow, look at time...”

Today, the president’s former lawyer, Michael Cohen, reported to prison. And I heard he’s in the same prison as The Situation from “Jersey Shore” and the guy who started the Fyre Festival. I don’t know about you guys, but I’d totally watch that reality show.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.7.19

It is Teacher Appreciation Day and our entire audience is filled with New York City school teachers! But before we get started -- If I see any of you playing Fortnite, I’m taking your phone.

For teachers, there are only three things better than Teacher Appreciation Day and they are: June, July, and August.

Amy Poehler is here! She stars in the new movie “Wine Country,” or as my audience calls that, “The teacher’s lounge.”

Today, a lot of businesses had deals to celebrate teachers, like “Buy One, Get One Free” burritos at Chipotle. Cuz nothing says “Thank you for shaping the future of this country” like a free burrito. Teachers could get a free burrito at Chipotle, a free sandwich at Arby’s, and a free meal at Applebee’s. Yeah, Chipotle, Arby’s, and Applebee’s -- even the lunch ladies were like, “I wouldn’t put any of that in my body.”

Today, a lot of politicians went on social media to thank their favorite teachers. Yeah, Elizabeth Warren thanked her 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Lee. While President Trump thanked his favorite teacher, Mr. Feeny from “Boy Meets World.”

All day, teachers were like, “It would be cool if my famous students mentioned me.” While all of Betsy DeVos’s teachers were like, “Oh God, I hope she doesn’t mention me!”

A new poll just came out that shows Joe Biden has a giant, 32-point lead over Bernie Sanders. Then a horse in Kentucky was like, “Enjoy the lead while you can.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.8.19

Big news, today, we finally found out the name of the Royal Baby! Yeah, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry have decided to name him “Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor.” Even Benedict Cumberbatch was like, “That is a mouthful!”

But it’s true, the new baby’s name is Archie! Apparently, the Royals love the show "Riverdale," so it was either gonna be “Archie” or “Jughead.”

“Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor.” People didn’t see that coming. Right now, guys who bet on the name are calling their wives like, “Honey, you know that money I lost at the Derby? Well, I didn’t win it back.”

Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor, it sounds like a British slip-and-fall law firm.

Even though the Royal Baby’s only three days old, he’s already paid more taxes than President Trump.

Trump basically set a record by losing over a billion dollars. It’s crazy -- if you combine Trump and the Avengers, you break even.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.9.19

We are just a few days away from Mother’s day and I saw that on Sunday, if you bring your mom to Hooters, she can eat for free. Here’s how that breaks down: It’s one day of free food, then 364 days of apologizing.

The big story is that the Senate Intelligence Committee has subpoenaed Donald Trump Jr. so he’ll testify about the Russia investigation. When Don Jr. asked his dad, “What’s a subpoena?” the president was like, “She’s a teenage witch.”

It’s the first time a president’s kid has even been subpoenaed. And it’s also the first time Don Jr.’s ever been picked for something before Ivanka.

Last night in North Korea, Kim Jong Un fired two missiles. It’s impressive, cuz most guys just fall asleep after firing one.

A chef was going through customs at the airport in Los Angeles when he got caught with a bag full of piranhas. But they let him go when he was like, “Those are my emotional support piranhas.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.10.19

It’s the weekend and this Sunday is Mother’s Day! I read that people spend eight billion dollars more on Mother's Day than Father's Day. Which makes sense, since brunch and jewelry cost a little more than scratch-off tickets and a six-pack of Coors.

I heard that for Mother’s Day, Americans spend two billion dollars on electronics. Then they spend two billion hours showing their moms how to use them. “No Ma, just say ‘Alexa,’ there’s no phone number to call her! Ma! MA!”

The race for 2020 is heating up, and I read that the founder of LinkedIn is hosting a fundraiser for Cory Booker. Yeah, but if you go to an event for LinkedIn AND a presidential candidate, let me tell you something: your email inbox is about to explode.

The Bachelorette is back on Monday and this is crazy, I read that one of the contestants has fathered 114 children as a sperm donor. That’s insane! But on The Bachelorette, “professional sperm donor” is one of the more respected professions.