Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.30.19

It’s the time of year people look at the puddle on a subway seat and go from saying, “I hope that’s lemonade” to “I hope that’s cider.”

I love the fall in New York City – there’s nothing better than watching tourists in Central Park jump into a big pile of leaves and then realize there’s a body underneath.

Everyone’s in the fall spirit. Some people spent the weekend carving a pumpkin, while Nancy Pelosi is trying to impeach one.

Trump is still fuming about the impeachment and this weekend he sent over 70 tweets! It’s so bad, at one point last night, Trump’s iPhone threw ITSELF in the toilet.

Trump tweeted he wants to meet the whistleblower in person, however their identity and whereabouts are still unknown. They’re probably hidden in a place that no one ever goes – so most likely, they’re at a Forever 21.

I read that Trump’s Chief of Staff, Mick Mulvaney, could lose his job cuz the president is unhappy with how he’s dealt with the scandal. If it happens, Mulvaney will try to get an easier job, like ER surgeon, cliff-diver or coach of the Jets.

In the next few days, top White House aides are gonna present Trump with an “impeachment response strategy.” Just in time! That’s like the captain of the Titanic yelling, “Argh, we should have taken a left!”

Congress is on a two-week break and I saw that Nancy Pelosi spoke about the impeachment at an Atlantic City casino. That’s how you know everything’s messed up. When Donald Trump is making statements from Washington and Nancy Pelosi is speaking from a casino in Atlantic City.

Democrats now say they’ll vote on impeachment by the end of the year. And this is nice. They’ve already hired Ryan Seacrest to host their “Impeachment Rockin’ Eve” party.

The impeachment is already getting ugly. In fact, Joe Biden’s campaign has asked TV networks to stop booking Rudy Giuliani, Trump heard and was like, “Finally, something me and Joe agree on!”

Giuliani appeared on every talk show over the weekend, and he ranted about the Ukraine scandal, made false allegations, spoke in run-on sentences, and contradicted himself several times. Giuliani is basically like if Trump’s Twitter account sprang to life.

I read that employees are now damaging workplace robots out of fear that they’ll take over their jobs. Which explains why today at the White House, Trump was seen trying to drop Mike Pence in the bathtub.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.1.19

The one-and-only Lin-Manuel Miranda is here! His new Broadway show “Freestyle Love Supreme” opens tomorrow! It is the hottest ticket in town. Prices range from “Wow, that’s expensive,” to “Sorry kids, no college for you!”

It’s officially October! And stores are already putting up their Halloween decorations. But unfortunately, those aren’t fake cobwebs at Forever 21.

People are putting up Halloween decorations. But make sure to buy your decorations now, cuz tomorrow the aisles at CVS will be full of stuff for Christmas.

They’re even putting up Halloween decorations at the White House. And just to frighten President Trump, instead of a scarecrow they’re using a cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi.

It just came out that Trump called Australia and asked them to help discredit the Mueller Report. Yeah, he asked Australia to work against U.S. intelligence -- today Trump said, “Everything’s the opposite down there, so it’s technically NOT treason.” “Actually treason backwards is “Nosert” as in, “No seart I did NOT commit treason.”

Now people want to see Trump’s calls with Putin as well. But Russia says the White House needs to ask “permission” before releasing any calls between them. That shouldn’t be a problem, cuz Trump already asks Russia for permission every time he uses the bathroom.

Meanwhile, 2020 candidate Kamala Harris has called on Twitter to suspend Trump’s account cuz of his intimidating tweets towards the whistleblower. Trump heard that and was like, “You can take away my presidency, but you’ll never take Twitter!”

As if things aren’t crazy enough, today at the White House, a mouse fell from the ceiling and landed on a reporter. Usually, the mouse would’ve been caught, but Eric had his tongue stuck in the trap all week.

The mouse fell from the ceiling and landed on the lap of our own Peter Alexander from NBC News. And now it confirms a rumor that’s been going around NBC for years - Peter Alexander wears edible cheese underwear.

The first cannabis café opened today in Los Angeles. CNN called it the “first farm-to-table restaurant that highlights cuisine and cannabis.” So, apparently that reporter has never been to Taco Bell.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.2.19

It was 90 degrees today in New York City! Right now, every guy in your office who wears shorts year-round is like, “Well, well, well, now who’s the weirdo?”

It was 90 degrees today here in New York! It’s brutal out there -- on the sidewalk, people were spritzing themselves with Pumpkin Spice Lattes.

It was so hot, I saw a hot dog vendor fanning himself with health code violations.

It was so hot, President Trump wasn’t the ONLY thing melting down.

It came out that while talking about strengthening border security, Trump suggested building a moat filled with snakes and alligators. And you know today was nuts cuz that’s not even close to being the craziest part.

Apparently Trump said that he wanted to protect the border wall using a moat “filled with snakes or alligators.” When they heard, every Bond villain was like, “Good God, what is wrong with this guy?”

He wasn’t kidding! Trump even told his staff to find out how much building the snake and alligator moat would cost. That about sums up working for Trump. One minute you’re meeting in the Oval Office, the next you’re Googling, “How much does an alligator moat cost?”

Trump said the best part of the alligator moat was telling Eric and Don Jr. he built them a new lazy river.

Trump also said he wanted the wall electrified, with spikes on top that could pierce human flesh. Kim Jong Un was like, “Wait, this guy can have nukes, but I can’t?!”

After the story broke, Trump responded on Twitter and said...“Now the press is trying to sell the fact that I wanted a Moot stuffed with alligators and snakes”

I don’t know where to start – well, he misspelled “moat” and wrote, “moot.” When a staffer told him about the mistake, Trump was like, “Whatever, the point is moat.”

Trump also called the story “fake news.” He was like, “It wasn’t snakes and alligators, it was sharks and tornados!”

Trump tweeted about the Ukraine scandal and said...“what is taking place is not an impeachment, it is a COUP.”

People saw and we’re like, “Wait a minute, how the hell did he spell “coup” right and mess up “moat?”

Trump met with the president of Finland. At one point, Finland's president said, "I'm Finnish," and Trump was like, "I feel your pain, I think I'm finished too."

A California woman just won the World Pumpkin Pie Eating Contest after she ate 50 slices in 10 minutes. Or as most Americans call that, “Thanksgiving.”

I heard that New Yorkers have been smoking illegal toad venom. That’s crazy -- one week without vaping, and they’re like, “Yo, you think we can smoke that frog?”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.3.19

I saw Taylor backstage and was like, “Oh my god! I’m so glad you’re here! And her security tackled me and said, “Jimmy, you need to calm down.”

Everything happening in Washington right now feels like a Taylor Swift song. Democrats knew Trump was “Trouble When He Walked In.” Now they have “Bad Blood” and Nancy Pelosi is like, “Look What You Made Me Do.”

Well just when it felt like this impeachment scandal couldn’t get any crazier, Trump spoke to reporters this morning and got himself into even MORE trouble. He’s already in trouble for asking Ukraine to investigate the Bidens, so you’d think he’d stop there. But, as you know. Trump is gonna Trump.

It's crazy! In the middle of being investigated for asking foreign countries for election help, Trump publicly asked foreign countries for election help! That's like chugging a beer WHILE taking a breathalyzer test.

The chairwoman of the Federal Election Commission released a statement that said...“Let me make something 100% clear...It is illegal to receive anything of value from a foreign national in connection with a US election.” Trump saw that and was like, “Startingggg now!”

People close to Trump are worried that he’s becoming more and more unglued. Yeah, at this point, the only “glued” parts of Trump are his teeth and his hair.

It’s true, Trump may be losing it. Today, he tweeted in all caps...“ELECTION INTERFERENCE!” That wasn’t a complaint, he just accidentally tweeted his “to-do” list.

He was like, “My bad! That was supposed to be a DM to Ukraine, China, Australia and Russia!

Trump tweeted a video about Joe Biden that featured a Nickelback song, but Nickelback had the video taken down. Man, it’s not a good sign for Trump when even NICKELBACK is like, “We can’t be associated with you.”

Trump is staying busy. Today he gave a speech about healthcare in Florida. And when it was over, Trump swung by the Everglades to grab some alligators for his border moat.

Joe Biden made a speech in Nevada and told Trump, “You’re not going to destroy me.” Then Biden was like, “I’m letting Elizabeth Warren do that instead.”

Beto O’Rourke just posted an Instagram video of himself getting a flu shot. It’s the first time since the campaign started that we can honestly say Beto’s got a shot.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.4.19

It's currently Comic Con in New York City! So if you see 13 guys on the subway dressed as Spider-Man, I guess it’s that?

It’s almost the weekend. And if you think YOU need a break – imagine how Trump’s iPhone feels.

Joaquin Phoenix is my guest tonight! His new film “Joker” is out today, and we see the origins of how a man went completely insane. I guess it all started when he made a phone call to Ukraine and asked for help.

I saw that President Trump is thinking about starting his own news network to get a “real voice out there.” Americans are like, “FINALLY! A place to hear what Trump has to say!”

Trump talked about starting his own news network. It’ll be the only channel where the shows are way louder than the commercials.

The Yankees hosted the Minnesota Twins in Game One of the Division Series. Yankees fans were like, “You suck, Twins!” While Minnesota fans were like, “Hey, thanks so much for having us, this is so great.”

Uber is offering a helicopter service to JFK airport. Meanwhile, if you wanna fly to LaGuardia, they just send a lawn chair tied to some balloons.

I saw that Instagram is launching a new app called Threads, where you can send photos to your closest friends. It’s for when you don’t think the vacation photo you posted publicly made them jealous enough.

Bed Bath & Beyond announced that they’re closing 60 locations. I knew the company was in trouble when I got a 20-percent off coupon in the mail to BUY a “Bed Bath, and Beyond.”

Today is National Taco Day AND National Vodka Day. And if you celebrated both, be glad it’s not Monday.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.6.19

It is Sunday night and we are here with a special NFL postgame Tonight Show! And if you're drunk right now, either you tailgated all day, or you play for the Jets.

Patrick Mahomes is being called the “Face of the NFL.” Meanwhile his coach Andy Reid is the “Gut.”

The Patriots played the Redskins at FedEx Field. You can tell the stadium is sponsored by FedEx, cuz after you show them your ticket, they pick you up and throw you over the front gate.

This week, Tom Brady admitted that he’s been wearing the same shoulder pads for the last 25 years. Then his jockstrap was like, “And if you think THAT’S bad...”

My favorite thing were the referees. I’m not kidding, it was nice to hear from some whistleblowers that had NOTHING to do with Trump.

The big story is that a SECOND whistleblower is coming forward in the Ukraine scandal. Trump hasn’t been this upset since he found out there was a second Donald Trump.

The ax Jack Nicholson used in “The Shining” just sold at auction for 200,000 dollars. When the winner told his wife, she was like, “Heeeeeere’s divorce papers!”

I heard that you can now buy “whiskey pods” that are like Tide Pods, but filled with alcohol.

That’s great, cuz until now, if you wanted to get drunk off plastic you just had to swallow A LOT of Listerine strips.

Police in Pennsylvania just discovered 100-thousand dollars worth of marijuana growing inside someone’s empty swimming pool. When he heard that, Seth Rogen was like, “Cannonball!”